Covid, Couple’s Concerns, and Coping
Relationship stress and ways to address it in the era of covid
Times have been super tough lately. Most of us maintain enough emotional energy to deal with issues in one or two domains, but today’s world seems to be coming at us from all angles. Our usual methods for coping with difficulties and maintaining balance have also been significantly impaired. For example, things I like to do to manage stress and feel my best include getting outside, going out for a bite, or getting together with friends—all of which have been difficult or impossible with the wildfire smoke and covid concerns. Additionally, the pandemic has resulted in job loss or insecurity for many, so lots of the ways that people used to have fun and decompress are now too expensive. On top of that, there’s the contentious political climate and social unrest in our country that many of us can feel weighing on us all the time.
An unfortunate side-effect of having all this extra anxiety and few ways to get it out is that romantic relationships are taking a huge hit. Partners are now having to lean on each other in ways that used to be spread among a much larger group of friends and family. While one of the great benefits of having a partner is that you can be yourself and let it all hang out, that sense of security can also lead to using one’s partner as a sort of punching bag. The safety of knowing that your partner won’t leave you can create a trap where you say or do things to them that you wouldn’t do to anyone else.
Here are a few tips that can help bring some peace and stability to your relationship amidst all the chaos and unknowns in the world. These strategies apply to couples who are working outside the home or to those who’ve shifted to working remotely. In both cases, social circles have likely shrunk significantly and stress has increased, so some intention can be helpful to keep things moving in the right direction.
ADD STRUCTURE TO WORK AND PLAY
With our normal schedules shifting, if not being completely turned on their heads, it’s important to rethink the intention we bring to the time we dedicate to work and play.
- Plan for fun and romantic times- Being together much more frequently can lead to people making the mistake of no longer putting in the effort to make things feel special on occasion. While dates may look different than they used to, it’s important to inject novelty into your relationship, especially if you’re feeling bored with one another from the increased time at home. You can order food from a favorite take-out spot, get dressed up, or take a drive together—it doesn’t necessarily matter what it is, just that you’re carving time out that is only meant for fun and connection.
- Add structure to your work schedule- for couples working at home, it’s important to set boundaries around when and where work takes place. It can be easy to work over the span of 12 hours due to the added flexibility of working from home, but that can cut into time that could have otherwise been spent connecting or unwinding. I suggest maintaining a routine in which you start and end your workday at roughly the same time, if possible, and unplug from work as much as you can during the other times. For many of us, covid has introduced a phenomenon that people who’ve worked from home in the past know quite well—if you don’t build the structure to prevent overworking yourself, it’s surprisingly easy to do. Even if you don’t actually work more over the course of the week but still stretch your workday out over a much longer period, you could easily find yourself feeling burnt out before you know it.
- Lean into self-care- Added stress means a greater need to do whatever makes you feel whole again. Yes, self-care might seem like a buzzword, but there’s a reason it gets so much attention. When done right, self-care can help inoculate you to the harmful effects of the angst that seems to permeate the world at the moment. Just as I mentioned how helpful it is to bring structure to your work and romantic life, it’s important to set time aside each day, if possible, that is just for you. I’ve seen people gravitate toward either end of the self-care spectrum during the pandemic—either dedicating themselves to improvement in the form of nutrition or fitness goals or descending into a lack of self-care from being overwhelmed and only finding enough energy to binge on Netflix. By no means am I knocking Netflix, it’s just that having a self-care regimen that includes attention to our body, mind, heart, and soul tend to be most effective.
FINE-TUNE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
As I mentioned earlier, when things get harder in our lives we often bring that difficulty into our relationships. It’s important to take the time to give our relationships the attention they need at a time when things might be feeling harder than ever. When our relationships are strong, it can be much easier to feel prepared to tackle other challenges that once seemed like too much.
- Plan weekly check-ins- For such a simple concept, I’ve talked to quite a few couples who struggle to build this into their routine. A weekly check-in might seem contrived, but having a safe space to see how things are going can be incredibly helpful. Many couples have one partner who brings up issues quite frequently, while the other partner is generally more avoidant of those sorts of topics. That can create a dynamic in which one person is perceived as “nagging” all the time and the other partner is perceived as being emotionally distant, and very little connection occurs. A weekly check-in can provide a designated meeting space which allows the more vocal partner to know they’ll have a space to address what’s on their mind, and simultaneously allow the less vocal partner to feel less likely to get blind-sided throughout the week.
- Work on stuck-points- This can be in the form of reading a book together, listening to a podcast, or seeing a therapist, but it’s especially important to put effort toward ironing out the issues in your relationship when the world is as hectic as it currently is. I like to help dispel the myth that relationships are easy by quoting one of my favorite therapists who suggests that we should include “I take you to be my pain in the ass” in our wedding vows. Maybe before covid listening to an audiobook on improving your sex life or seeing a therapist together would have been completely off the table, but unprecedented times call for unprecedented measures.
- Adjust your expectations- It’s important to remember that the world we’re living in has so many more uncertainties than we’re used to and that we shouldn’t expect life at home to look the same either. Adjusting expectations means keeping at the front of your mind that both you and your partner probably have more on your plate than you’re used to, so neither of you may be at your best. I’ve talked to plenty of couples who’ve said that old issues have resurfaced ever since covid began, and I like to remind them of the importance of recalibrating the definition of success in the relationship when the world is on its head.
To conclude, the world is hard and it’s more important than ever to bring intention to how we work, play, and love if we want to feel our best.
Ben Lotstein, MS, MFTC of North Star Therapy, LLC provides individual and couples counseling in Fort Collins, CO and throughout the state.
